Starting Fresh

Sitting next to the freshly rained on, but newly dried kitchen window my eye catches this crazy intense green color of the leaves on the trees outside. I call it "turbo green". It's a green that jumps out at you and if you look at it too long, it will have you writing a sonnet, asking someone out or starting up a business. It's life giving.

I started thinking about what it is that makes this green so "turbo" and then realized the obvious - it's covered in water. The water reflects the light from the sun and brings the green along for the ride. The sun alone would light up the color of the leaves, but the water reflects the sun's light, bends it a bit and so magnifies the green color. The water makes the green turbo. The color I end up seeing is luminescent, vibrant and full of energy.

Of course, like any overly introspective, semi-hipster young adult I thought about about how this plays out in my life. If I'm the green leaf, what would make me brighter? What's my water?

Today's findings outside of my window aren't the daily norm. To be quite honest, for the past few months I've had little inspiration for anything life giving or interesting. Please don't get me wrong - I have a great relationship with my husband, keep in touch with friends and family, my house is neat and orderly and I'm lovin life, but today I've noticed something missing from the picture. I've been a nice green, but I just realized the possibility of being so much brighter.

Knowing I'm not satisfied with my lackluster green, I could think of nothing but finding water to make me bright again. I used to feel it, the passion that pulls you out of bed each morning to discover what's next, to build on what you have and to see the garden of your life grow and mature. Lately, I've been buying all of my metaphorical produce from the metaphorical grocery store instead of my metaphorical garden and it feel so realistically wrong... and pretty dull.

I decided I believed glowing people existed out there somewhere and I was going to find them... so I perused blog sites in search of these mythical creatures. (Bloggers just seem to always be inspired about something) My search was a success. I found people who really knew who they were, what they wanted, where they're going and what's driving them. They're turbo green and brightly hurting my eyes. Their passions, what gives their person-hood their color, have been magnified. These folks found water!

It was all momentarily motivating and enough to make me want to search for my own fountain of inspiration. Oh to find a place in life that didn't have just a splash of this water, but an effervescent and constant spring.

The search is on.

Happy 30th Birthday from my point of view

Ok, everyone who's over 30: Ever notice that people treat you differently when they find out your 30? It's like.. at 28 or 29 you're still slightly not taken seriously - maybe somewhat, but not taken completely serious by those much older than you. And those younger - anyone under 20 thinks you're old, 21-26 pretends to or actually thinks your cool and 27-29 is so scared to be you... they reverence you as if you just contracted a rare disease. You feel a strange comradery with people age 30-32 as if you've both been allowed admittance to a secret club, people age 33-37 feel as if they've gone way before you and are usually very proud to say so - even though you both were kids at the same time and really they are not that much older than you, 38-39 will tell you you're a baby (but still take you serious - don't sweat it - they're nervous for what's coming next) and 40+ are slightly amused as your new-found-"real adulthood" and will humor you until A) you say something amazing deserving of respectful cred or B) you say something stupid deserving of being referred to as "still a baby"... anyone ages 42-48 usually won't act as if they take your age into consideration when listening and responding to you, though they like being around you... the youth and vitality is a breath of fresh air for them and reminds them they ARE still young and have a lot left in them. Age 49 tends to be very central-focus as they are nearing age 50 and sometimes resents your "youth". Once one's accepted they've completed 50 years on this earth they feel a sense of honor and entitlement for a certain bonus in life (well deserved, well deserved)... though retirement doesn't kick in until at least 55 - they're on a bit of a cloud and will entertain your passionate dreaming as an act of good charity and personal amusement. Those over 50 are either A) bitter and resentful to you or B) will allow you to entertain them.

Way to be 30. It's such an odd, but wonderful year. Cheers.

A Romans 12:2 mind-shake today

Can I be brutally honest with where I'm at? K, thanks...

So, today I was complaining to myself how frustratingly bored I was, how void of human contact/interaction I was, how I didn't have any money and how I did not like my current circumstances. I've recently moved to a new environment and left my family, friends, job security and financial stability to come here. As I sit in my room for another lonely, event-less day I began to whine about it all. I started thinking of how good I had it before I moved. There was security in the familiar, even though it was not fulfilling my heart's desire. My mind started trailing back... until...

God so graciously reminded me of the story of the Israelites (Not familiar with these guys?: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israelites) en route from Egypt to "The Promise Land" or Canaan. They were actual slaves in Egypt, living like slaves, working like slaves, eating like slaves - all of that. They begged God for help, literally cried out as though their lives depended on it (they did). So, God sends his guy, Moses, to get em outta there. He does, they leave, the Pharaoh's pissed about it, but whatev - they leave.

At first they're so-mega-pumped to have left. They literally have a caravan-party for quite sometime and are like "Ye-ah, God's so good! This is awesome!" and so on. Then things get difficult (as usually happens in times of transition). They run out of food, they're thirsty, they've been literally walking for weeks/months and are so tired. They still haven't seen this "Promise Land" anywhere and they're starting to question what they've gotten themselves into.

I remember reading this story as a young girl and thinking, "What the flip is wrong with these people? God has and always will be faithful to them. They make it in the end. It's so clear." Except, I'd never actually had to walk through a wilderness. I've never not had enough money for something and I've never not known what'll happen at the end of the week when the food runs out. Of course it was clear to me. I'd never known anything to muck up my clarity of God's faithfulness. I'd never been in serious transition and had to exercise faith like that. Not yet anyway, not until now.

So, God reminded me of all of this today and then asked me, "Why do you think it was so clear to you that they could have/should have been trusting me, but it wasn't for them?" I answered, "Well, I suppose it's because I heard this story so many times that I knew in the end it turned out awesome." Then He says, "Don't you know your own ending? Do you know I have been and always will remain faithful to you? Do you think I led you out of your previous circumstances to let you die in the wilderness?"

Hmm.

So, my thought of the day today is this: Scripture and history is FULL of examples of God's faithfulness to the people who've gone before us. Why would He decided to be a jerk this one time just for me? It's ridiculous to think about it that way, but by complaining and trying to work out my own solution or take steps back for comfort in the familiar that's exactly what I was saying... "God, I don't think You'll come through. I don't think You can handle this. You lied to me." WTF (Water The Flowers) Seriously??? Absolutely ludicrous, but yeah, that's exactly the attitude I had, although I didn't come out and say it in those words.


First thing I had to do: Repent of doubt and unbelief. Those guys will eat you alive if left to play.

Second: Replace all that crap with truth. "God you ARE good, you DO love me, you ARE faithful to strengthen me, provide for me, lift me up and prosper me."

Third: Kick back and suck up some JOY in knowing God's capable, trustworthy and faithful... and that I know the end of this story is awesome.

Taking risks is HARD, but knowing who you are and where you're headed is vital to success.



*Romans 12:2
"And be not conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you will be able to test and approve what is the good and perfect will of God."

Trojan Horse

No one likes rejection or pain... and those who've experienced a fair share of this famous combination have learned defenses and how to build great big walls for protection... but what happens when someone comes in with a gift... say... a Trojan horse type... seemingly nice and it very well could be. You won't know until nightfall... until you're sleeping and vulnerable. Either you wake up with a wonderful present, or... you're massacred in your sleep. I have such a horse and I've just fallen asleep... and I'm waiting... waiting until dawn to see if I'm still alive.

It's ok to wear my hair a bit messy today...

I was always the one with color coordinated bows tying everything up and putting it all in proper places... everything in order... everything expected... everything tightly wound with strings and laces. Lately I've been different... loving the unconfirmed... enjoying the discovery... living each breath, each step, each minute... savoring every precious moment of life. These boxes once tightly bound and... well... suffocated... are now open and I've found so much joy in seeing them that way, sprawled out and in full color on display. I didn't know they had so much color...

Something needs to be said for my current state of being... It's as though a giant peace-cloud pulled me in and decided to have a little party with me complete with a tea set, some frilly parasols and perhaps a row-boat on a lake. I feel so completely chilled out - I could just sit in a big, green field right now for hours upon hours and feel completely content... even charged... and with a ginormous smile on my face. I literally can not stop smiling these days. People must think I'm such a weirdo... wouldn't be the first time... haha...

It all started this past Sunday night when I had a turning point moment... you know what I mean... one of those times in life when everything just stops and becomes exceedingly clear - you see so vividly what's been happening in your life and why. It's in that moment you realize you have a decision to make... you could go it as you've always gone it... or you could choose a different way... the great thing is, there's grace for the change in this moment. It's real, honest and suddenly this crazy awesome energy comes upon you and you actually find yourself agreeing with the life surrounding you... pulsing through you... lifting you up. He's there... He sees you and is definitely up to something... you feel it coming like you're at the top of a roller-coaster hill - there's no getting off now... He's face to face with you - eyes locked... His arm shoves through your chest and His hand starts pumping your heart back to life. Yeah it's uncomfortable at first and hurts.... wow does it ever hurt... (there's a flipping arm shoved through your chest)... it's right now that you realize how much of your heart was shut off... dead... the real pain is this - your spirit mourning memories it was told to be numb to for so long... it's feeling the reservoir of pain flush out that it was never allowed to deal with before... g'head and let it out - no need to keep it all bottled up anymore. Tears pour like rain and in this moment not much else matters... sure you have thick, black mascara lines streaming down your cheeks... your face is red and - let's be honest - there's a bit of a mucus issue... Oh yeah "dignity" as you know it has pretty much left the building, but wow does this ever go way beyond silly pride... when you've got years of junk being pumped out of your heart and God's pure love streaming into it... nothing... absolutely nothing else matters... All of a sudden you can feel your heart beating again... the air you breath in has never tasted so sweet and thick, gooey peace and joy pour over you like something straight out of that Nickelodeon show that used to slime people all the time... but it's a GOOD slime. This stuff is live giving... it makes you want to sprout wings and fly... your spirit inside is having a DANCEPARTY and all you want to do is smile. You're a smooshy, gushy, lovely mess overwhelmed with love and honestly... that's the best place to be.

candy store clock

Stepping stones follow a minute hand's direction
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
First things first now and then let's shift our focus
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
I sure remember the last time I heard this
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Much stronger and wiser now I'd like to mention
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Choosing the next stone - mind racing to spot it
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
One million options... but only one minute
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four

"Kevin Max Smith eat your heart out" - Jonny Evans

send me off to sleep I'd like to dream
to have a break from this tired cage of expectations
with thoughts of should and shouldn't looming over
cutting off any chance I'd have for honest inspiration
send me off to sleep just for a moment
i'll be back with a fresh charge of stellar indignation
to win the moments lost to sudden silence
one step back to regain sight in opposite direction
send me off to sleep, but stay right here
if you decide you have a bit to say with tempered vision
to see beyond the mixed up words of my lips
and save me from my own communicative contrition
send me off to sleep I'd like to dream of you
and wake with thoughts behind your benchmark information
i hope I'll get the courage I will need
to smile back at you without any inhibition