It's ok to wear my hair a bit messy today...

I was always the one with color coordinated bows tying everything up and putting it all in proper places... everything in order... everything expected... everything tightly wound with strings and laces. Lately I've been different... loving the unconfirmed... enjoying the discovery... living each breath, each step, each minute... savoring every precious moment of life. These boxes once tightly bound and... well... suffocated... are now open and I've found so much joy in seeing them that way, sprawled out and in full color on display. I didn't know they had so much color...

Something needs to be said for my current state of being... It's as though a giant peace-cloud pulled me in and decided to have a little party with me complete with a tea set, some frilly parasols and perhaps a row-boat on a lake. I feel so completely chilled out - I could just sit in a big, green field right now for hours upon hours and feel completely content... even charged... and with a ginormous smile on my face. I literally can not stop smiling these days. People must think I'm such a weirdo... wouldn't be the first time... haha...

It all started this past Sunday night when I had a turning point moment... you know what I mean... one of those times in life when everything just stops and becomes exceedingly clear - you see so vividly what's been happening in your life and why. It's in that moment you realize you have a decision to make... you could go it as you've always gone it... or you could choose a different way... the great thing is, there's grace for the change in this moment. It's real, honest and suddenly this crazy awesome energy comes upon you and you actually find yourself agreeing with the life surrounding you... pulsing through you... lifting you up. He's there... He sees you and is definitely up to something... you feel it coming like you're at the top of a roller-coaster hill - there's no getting off now... He's face to face with you - eyes locked... His arm shoves through your chest and His hand starts pumping your heart back to life. Yeah it's uncomfortable at first and hurts.... wow does it ever hurt... (there's a flipping arm shoved through your chest)... it's right now that you realize how much of your heart was shut off... dead... the real pain is this - your spirit mourning memories it was told to be numb to for so long... it's feeling the reservoir of pain flush out that it was never allowed to deal with before... g'head and let it out - no need to keep it all bottled up anymore. Tears pour like rain and in this moment not much else matters... sure you have thick, black mascara lines streaming down your cheeks... your face is red and - let's be honest - there's a bit of a mucus issue... Oh yeah "dignity" as you know it has pretty much left the building, but wow does this ever go way beyond silly pride... when you've got years of junk being pumped out of your heart and God's pure love streaming into it... nothing... absolutely nothing else matters... All of a sudden you can feel your heart beating again... the air you breath in has never tasted so sweet and thick, gooey peace and joy pour over you like something straight out of that Nickelodeon show that used to slime people all the time... but it's a GOOD slime. This stuff is live giving... it makes you want to sprout wings and fly... your spirit inside is having a DANCEPARTY and all you want to do is smile. You're a smooshy, gushy, lovely mess overwhelmed with love and honestly... that's the best place to be.

candy store clock

Stepping stones follow a minute hand's direction
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
First things first now and then let's shift our focus
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
I sure remember the last time I heard this
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Much stronger and wiser now I'd like to mention
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Choosing the next stone - mind racing to spot it
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
One million options... but only one minute
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four

"Kevin Max Smith eat your heart out" - Jonny Evans

send me off to sleep I'd like to dream
to have a break from this tired cage of expectations
with thoughts of should and shouldn't looming over
cutting off any chance I'd have for honest inspiration
send me off to sleep just for a moment
i'll be back with a fresh charge of stellar indignation
to win the moments lost to sudden silence
one step back to regain sight in opposite direction
send me off to sleep, but stay right here
if you decide you have a bit to say with tempered vision
to see beyond the mixed up words of my lips
and save me from my own communicative contrition
send me off to sleep I'd like to dream of you
and wake with thoughts behind your benchmark information
i hope I'll get the courage I will need
to smile back at you without any inhibition