I was always the one with color coordinated bows tying everything up and putting it all in proper places... everything in order... everything expected... everything tightly wound with strings and laces. Lately I've been different... loving the unconfirmed... enjoying the discovery... living each breath, each step, each minute... savoring every precious moment of life. These boxes once tightly bound and... well... suffocated... are now open and I've found so much joy in seeing them that way, sprawled out and in full color on display. I didn't know they had so much color...
Something needs to be said for my current state of being... It's as though a giant peace-cloud pulled me in and decided to have a little party with me complete with a tea set, some frilly parasols and perhaps a row-boat on a lake. I feel so completely chilled out - I could just sit in a big, green field right now for hours upon hours and feel completely content... even charged... and with a ginormous smile on my face. I literally can not stop smiling these days. People must think I'm such a weirdo... wouldn't be the first time... haha...
It all started this past Sunday night when I had a turning point moment... you know what I mean... one of those times in life when everything just stops and becomes exceedingly clear - you see so vividly what's been happening in your life and why. It's in that moment you realize you have a decision to make... you could go it as you've always gone it... or you could choose a different way... the great thing is, there's grace for the change in this moment. It's real, honest and suddenly this crazy awesome energy comes upon you and you actually find yourself agreeing with the life surrounding you... pulsing through you... lifting you up. He's there... He sees you and is definitely up to something... you feel it coming like you're at the top of a roller-coaster hill - there's no getting off now... He's face to face with you - eyes locked... His arm shoves through your chest and His hand starts pumping your heart back to life. Yeah it's uncomfortable at first and hurts.... wow does it ever hurt... (there's a flipping arm shoved through your chest)... it's right now that you realize how much of your heart was shut off... dead... the real pain is this - your spirit mourning memories it was told to be numb to for so long... it's feeling the reservoir of pain flush out that it was never allowed to deal with before... g'head and let it out - no need to keep it all bottled up anymore. Tears pour like rain and in this moment not much else matters... sure you have thick, black mascara lines streaming down your cheeks... your face is red and - let's be honest - there's a bit of a mucus issue... Oh yeah "dignity" as you know it has pretty much left the building, but wow does this ever go way beyond silly pride... when you've got years of junk being pumped out of your heart and God's pure love streaming into it... nothing... absolutely nothing else matters... All of a sudden you can feel your heart beating again... the air you breath in has never tasted so sweet and thick, gooey peace and joy pour over you like something straight out of that Nickelodeon show that used to slime people all the time... but it's a GOOD slime. This stuff is live giving... it makes you want to sprout wings and fly... your spirit inside is having a DANCEPARTY and all you want to do is smile. You're a smooshy, gushy, lovely mess overwhelmed with love and honestly... that's the best place to be.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
candy store clock
Stepping stones follow a minute hand's direction
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
First things first now and then let's shift our focus
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
I sure remember the last time I heard this
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Much stronger and wiser now I'd like to mention
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Choosing the next stone - mind racing to spot it
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
One million options... but only one minute
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
First things first now and then let's shift our focus
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
I sure remember the last time I heard this
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Much stronger and wiser now I'd like to mention
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Choosing the next stone - mind racing to spot it
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
One million options... but only one minute
one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three-four
Saturday, December 5, 2009
"Kevin Max Smith eat your heart out" - Jonny Evans
send me off to sleep I'd like to dream
to have a break from this tired cage of expectations
with thoughts of should and shouldn't looming over
cutting off any chance I'd have for honest inspiration
send me off to sleep just for a moment
i'll be back with a fresh charge of stellar indignation
to win the moments lost to sudden silence
one step back to regain sight in opposite direction
send me off to sleep, but stay right here
if you decide you have a bit to say with tempered vision
to see beyond the mixed up words of my lips
and save me from my own communicative contrition
send me off to sleep I'd like to dream of you
and wake with thoughts behind your benchmark information
i hope I'll get the courage I will need
to smile back at you without any inhibition
to have a break from this tired cage of expectations
with thoughts of should and shouldn't looming over
cutting off any chance I'd have for honest inspiration
send me off to sleep just for a moment
i'll be back with a fresh charge of stellar indignation
to win the moments lost to sudden silence
one step back to regain sight in opposite direction
send me off to sleep, but stay right here
if you decide you have a bit to say with tempered vision
to see beyond the mixed up words of my lips
and save me from my own communicative contrition
send me off to sleep I'd like to dream of you
and wake with thoughts behind your benchmark information
i hope I'll get the courage I will need
to smile back at you without any inhibition
Friday, November 20, 2009
The lights, the people, the bass pounding through my soul... I just love a good bit of live music.
Wednesday night I had the opportunity to feel completely uncomfortable amidst the atmosphere of a live show from my little spot standing at the side of the stage. I say "opportunity to feel completely uncomfortable" because it was. It was a much needed and irritating opportunity to propel me back into a bit of soul-searching and song-writing.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The dashboard melted, but we still have the radio
There's something I absolutely love about emotionally and mentally mature people - they seem to have more patience than the rest of us. Thinking back to how I was 10 years ago compared to how I am now - I'm definitely more chilled out now, but wow-am-I-ever looking forward to 10 years from now when I'll be even more chilled out. Lemme splain.
I suppose it's going through situations in life - the situations that pull at our souls and beg for a reaction... the tough stuff... going through all of that we either learn to let it get the best of us, or we learn to let it bring out the best in us. Usually the case is that we will survive the situation in the end, but yet we fret and complain our way through much of the tough-stuff-situations we have to go through as though we had no clue about all the other times we actually made it out alive. Here's where maturity steps in. An emotionally or mentally mature person knows that most situations in life aren't threats - they're opportunities or obstacles (or both) and it's just a matter of time before the fierce ocean becomes a calm sea. This too will pass.
I've definitely changed in the past 10 years and I'll continue to change in the 10+ years to come. Not as much rattles me like it did when I was on the brink of turning 20. I suppose I learned that there are good days and there are learning days... I'll live through both of them. There's ebb and flow, up and down, loud and soft. To be perfectly honest, one could not fully appreciate either side without the other and I suppose I wouldn't be able to appreciate the really great days in life if I didn't also have the days that I struggled to make it through. All that struggling though did add up to increased strength over the years. It's nice to know it's all for something.
Oh patience. Oh maturity. There is a deep well to discover here.
... and besides.... there's always something to be grateful for, something of a good report, or something worthwhile to pay attention to when life throws a curveball. Who cares if the dashboard melted? We didn't really need it anyway. We still have the radio and that's what matters.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erc40wCxRZo
I suppose it's going through situations in life - the situations that pull at our souls and beg for a reaction... the tough stuff... going through all of that we either learn to let it get the best of us, or we learn to let it bring out the best in us. Usually the case is that we will survive the situation in the end, but yet we fret and complain our way through much of the tough-stuff-situations we have to go through as though we had no clue about all the other times we actually made it out alive. Here's where maturity steps in. An emotionally or mentally mature person knows that most situations in life aren't threats - they're opportunities or obstacles (or both) and it's just a matter of time before the fierce ocean becomes a calm sea. This too will pass.
I've definitely changed in the past 10 years and I'll continue to change in the 10+ years to come. Not as much rattles me like it did when I was on the brink of turning 20. I suppose I learned that there are good days and there are learning days... I'll live through both of them. There's ebb and flow, up and down, loud and soft. To be perfectly honest, one could not fully appreciate either side without the other and I suppose I wouldn't be able to appreciate the really great days in life if I didn't also have the days that I struggled to make it through. All that struggling though did add up to increased strength over the years. It's nice to know it's all for something.
Oh patience. Oh maturity. There is a deep well to discover here.
... and besides.... there's always something to be grateful for, something of a good report, or something worthwhile to pay attention to when life throws a curveball. Who cares if the dashboard melted? We didn't really need it anyway. We still have the radio and that's what matters.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erc40wCxRZo
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday morning inspiration
What am I doing.
Last night I was watching P.Diddy's Starmaker. One contestant who was battling obesity told Diddy the previous week that he'd work out and get serious. He only worked out a couple of times - he said he tried. When Diddy heard this he was irritated and basically said to the guy that he has this amazing opportunity, but is he really willing to fight for it and give it his all - because he hadn't the past week. He told the guy it wasn't about trying - it was about a change in lifestyle.
That got me thinking to my own situation. I came back home to 1/finish my degree, 2/work and save up money, 3/work on my music, voice and piano skills. Let's see my progress in the past 2 months:
1. Definitely doing well in my class and loving it.
2. Saved up a considerable amount, but have also spent quite a bit. I'd most likely have about $300 more in my bank account if I didn't spend it on the little day-to-day things. Gotta stop.
3. Music. I've been working on it, but I haven't been fighting for it. I'll let myself research fashion trends online, watch pointless reality shows on tv and do whatever else grabs my attention for the moment instead of wrangling my mind to focus and concentrate on what's important to me. Gotta do it.
Not to mention the little things I wanted to do like: sharpen up my Italian, read my Music Business books, take vocal lessons...
So, today's Monday - a new day, a new week and a new month starts this week. Time to implement a "change in lifestyle"..... thanks Diddy.
Last night I was watching P.Diddy's Starmaker. One contestant who was battling obesity told Diddy the previous week that he'd work out and get serious. He only worked out a couple of times - he said he tried. When Diddy heard this he was irritated and basically said to the guy that he has this amazing opportunity, but is he really willing to fight for it and give it his all - because he hadn't the past week. He told the guy it wasn't about trying - it was about a change in lifestyle.
That got me thinking to my own situation. I came back home to 1/finish my degree, 2/work and save up money, 3/work on my music, voice and piano skills. Let's see my progress in the past 2 months:
1. Definitely doing well in my class and loving it.
2. Saved up a considerable amount, but have also spent quite a bit. I'd most likely have about $300 more in my bank account if I didn't spend it on the little day-to-day things. Gotta stop.
3. Music. I've been working on it, but I haven't been fighting for it. I'll let myself research fashion trends online, watch pointless reality shows on tv and do whatever else grabs my attention for the moment instead of wrangling my mind to focus and concentrate on what's important to me. Gotta do it.
Not to mention the little things I wanted to do like: sharpen up my Italian, read my Music Business books, take vocal lessons...
So, today's Monday - a new day, a new week and a new month starts this week. Time to implement a "change in lifestyle"..... thanks Diddy.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The Fireswamp
This physical world seems so real to me.
Unless you'd bend the rules of this physical world...
I can't see You.
I'm unable to physically hear You.
I've not felt your arms around me... do You even have traditional arms?
Yet... I can't shake this feeling of wanting to experience You, though it seems impossible.
"The Fireswamp... we'll never survive" - Buttercup
"Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has" - Wesley
I've realized something tonight. Just because I haven't experienced God in these very real ways doesn't mean it's not possible for me to experience Him in a deeper reality that what I've already known. It just means I've got to decide how much I really want to know Him... because venturing off into the unknown takes guts and is seldom an easy stroll.
(They survived the Fireswamp and lived happily ever after.)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Leaving footprints
Today I saw an email update of the schedule for a musicians group I was a part of for the past 2 years. The only thing that's changed since I've been gone is... well... I'm gone.
It's such a weird feeling - moving on. You look back and everything looks exactly how it looked before except you're just not in it. Things are flowing smoothly there and you struggle to remember the hectic days you knew it would all fall apart if you let it. You know they say if you did your job right nobody will need you when you go - they'll be organized, equipped and strong enough to continue on without you. And they are. They're doing great.
So where does that leave me? It leaves me wondering how much of my identity is wrapped up in what I do and my position as opposed to my identity being an definition who I am.
*Light Bulb*
All that is affected by me is merely evidence of my existence... it's not my existence - it's no my purpose for existing. We can't live for what's been or even what is or will be presented to us to live in and through - we live as who we are and welcome new experiences with which to explore the depth of wealth that has been invested in us by an amazing Creator.
While what we do does not define who we are - we do leave our footprints behind and they're very important.
It's such a weird feeling - moving on. You look back and everything looks exactly how it looked before except you're just not in it. Things are flowing smoothly there and you struggle to remember the hectic days you knew it would all fall apart if you let it. You know they say if you did your job right nobody will need you when you go - they'll be organized, equipped and strong enough to continue on without you. And they are. They're doing great.
So where does that leave me? It leaves me wondering how much of my identity is wrapped up in what I do and my position as opposed to my identity being an definition who I am.
*Light Bulb*
All that is affected by me is merely evidence of my existence... it's not my existence - it's no my purpose for existing. We can't live for what's been or even what is or will be presented to us to live in and through - we live as who we are and welcome new experiences with which to explore the depth of wealth that has been invested in us by an amazing Creator.
While what we do does not define who we are - we do leave our footprints behind and they're very important.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
...that's how I found my way to God.
"Somebody said can you find your way to God? I said I found Him in the beat-dop-a-do-bop. That's how I found my way to God" - Missy Higgins
I've found the more I do the things that make me the happiest I see a direct and correlating rise in my feeling secure in my connection and relationship with God. I could blame this on my inviting Him into these areas of my life and thus, after spending time with Him during these activities we've become closer by default, but I'm not sure that's all it is. I have a feeling that when I'm doing things that make my soul dance, spirit sing, and body energized - 9 times out of 10 I'm doing something that I believe God put a love for inside of me.... and it was for a reason.
We're all pieces to the puzzle and designed very carefully with corners, bumps and edges that fit in perfectly somewhere. Problems arise when we hide our bumps, or disregard our corners in order to fit where we feel we should fit. That never works.
I'm learning (at age 29... finally) to accept my corners, bumps and edges. To own a sense of comfort and peace with these aspects that so distinguishably define my makeup is to accept who it is God made me to be. When I can roll with that I am able to succeed at life - freely and without the pressure of trying to make myself fit someplace I'm really not meant to fit. When I know where I fit and how I fit - putting it all together is exhilarating, fun and satisfying. I'm pretty sure He gets happy when this happens.
I'm not sure why exactly at this point it makes me feel closer to Him - it just does. Someday I'll get it and do some blog-action on it. For now, I'm enjoying being content with my corners =)
I've found the more I do the things that make me the happiest I see a direct and correlating rise in my feeling secure in my connection and relationship with God. I could blame this on my inviting Him into these areas of my life and thus, after spending time with Him during these activities we've become closer by default, but I'm not sure that's all it is. I have a feeling that when I'm doing things that make my soul dance, spirit sing, and body energized - 9 times out of 10 I'm doing something that I believe God put a love for inside of me.... and it was for a reason.
We're all pieces to the puzzle and designed very carefully with corners, bumps and edges that fit in perfectly somewhere. Problems arise when we hide our bumps, or disregard our corners in order to fit where we feel we should fit. That never works.
I'm learning (at age 29... finally) to accept my corners, bumps and edges. To own a sense of comfort and peace with these aspects that so distinguishably define my makeup is to accept who it is God made me to be. When I can roll with that I am able to succeed at life - freely and without the pressure of trying to make myself fit someplace I'm really not meant to fit. When I know where I fit and how I fit - putting it all together is exhilarating, fun and satisfying. I'm pretty sure He gets happy when this happens.
I'm not sure why exactly at this point it makes me feel closer to Him - it just does. Someday I'll get it and do some blog-action on it. For now, I'm enjoying being content with my corners =)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Dancing in the middle of the night
So tired, yet so unable to sleep right now. My mind drifts to thoughts yet to be tied and neatly put in their places. Maybe if I tie them/place them I can write them off - at least for the time being - and then worry about making changes later if I decide that's needed. In any case where the flip is all this anxiety coming from? I can't think of a single thought in my thought pool, (though a messy bunch right now - granted) worthy of keeping me up at night... but maybe that's just it. Maybe it's just a general "off" feeling I'm experiencing.
Ok time to tie that one up. God, whaddya say You and me spend some time on this one...
Ok time to tie that one up. God, whaddya say You and me spend some time on this one...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Welcome to Sunbury
My first thought as I rolled into town this past Friday was... "Really? Am I ready for this... again?" Fortunately I did not have to pressure myself with an answer to that question because whether I was ready or not - here I was.
Driving down Market Street (you could imagine this to be the "hot spot" of the city) I saw the traditional characters I've grown to know over the years. I'll explain more about them in blogs to come. I laughed out loud remembering stories these characters cameo-ed in my past years here. Who needs cable tv with this bunch roaming the streets? (Really. Cousins should not procreate.)
The minute I waltz into the little Italian restaurant I used to give 50+ hours to weekly they asked if I needed a job. I do though I have yet to accept. It's as though keeping myself jobless allows me the indulgence of pretending I'm not really staying. As my thoughts trail north and to the life I recently left I have to pull myself back to reality and ask... Really, is it all that bad living in a small town?
As I ponder this question in blogs to come I encourage you all (all 2 of you who might check this blog every 5 or 6 months) to remember where you grew up... the sights, the sounds, the smells, the feeling you got when you discovered your town had an ice cream shop, or the things that you used to look forward to before you found the big world outside your home-base-neighborhood. Is it possible for life to be that simple and simply wonderful once more?
Driving down Market Street (you could imagine this to be the "hot spot" of the city) I saw the traditional characters I've grown to know over the years. I'll explain more about them in blogs to come. I laughed out loud remembering stories these characters cameo-ed in my past years here. Who needs cable tv with this bunch roaming the streets? (Really. Cousins should not procreate.)
The minute I waltz into the little Italian restaurant I used to give 50+ hours to weekly they asked if I needed a job. I do though I have yet to accept. It's as though keeping myself jobless allows me the indulgence of pretending I'm not really staying. As my thoughts trail north and to the life I recently left I have to pull myself back to reality and ask... Really, is it all that bad living in a small town?
As I ponder this question in blogs to come I encourage you all (all 2 of you who might check this blog every 5 or 6 months) to remember where you grew up... the sights, the sounds, the smells, the feeling you got when you discovered your town had an ice cream shop, or the things that you used to look forward to before you found the big world outside your home-base-neighborhood. Is it possible for life to be that simple and simply wonderful once more?
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